So it’s yet another new day. It’s been a while since I’ve posted last and I’ve had a few good runs at being sober. But something always takes me back. I know we’ve all been there a time or two. The elated feeling of making the decision to quit drinking at some point fades and I’m lured back to my old habits. I found myself with a few anxiety riddled moments today and just pushed through. But I found myself not even wanting to come home after work today. I wanted to be any where but the walls, floors, doors and windows I call home. I didn’t want to face my husband – I wanted desperately to slink in the door, go about my chores for the evening and curl up in bed without saying a single word. Thing is – he’s mad at me – or disappointed…not sure which one is worse – but he’s still being nice and compassionate with me. Patient as a saint.
So I fell off the wagon a while ago and we’ve had several confrontations about it. It always ends the same way – I get quiet as I have no argument and I’m clearly the one at fault, but lately I’ve noticed a couple of things. First, he doesn’t want me to give up drinking completely, just doesn’t want me to hide it. Second, he’s shifted from confronting to threatening that he’ll “call me out whenever he feels like it”. Both are bad, and for very different reasons.
Looking at the first point of not giving up drinking completely and not hiding it – I wish that were a possibility. I think we’ve all been there – “what if I could only have a glass of wine out with friends and that would be the end of it?” But as we’re all too aware, whether we want to admit it or can even reconcile the fact, we can’t. At least I can’t. It becomes me excuse – my ability to justify going back to old habits. That gateway drink becomes my voluntary and justified (at least to me) leap off of the wagon. And I picture myself as a skinny, happy girl in jeans and a t-shirt taking a joyful leap off of pick up truck, graceful in all my movements and a perfectly filled glass of Chardonnay that stays level as I land. Yeah…who in the hell am I kidding – The graceful leap is in all reality a fall or tumble that will leave bruises as the only indication that I even fell because the black out will conveniently prevent my memory from ever recalling the fall. The jeans are day old pajamas that I never bothered to get out of to shower or change….not cute…but reality. And that glass of Chardonnay is either shattered, hidden, or in a tumbler that I’ve misplaced and will find 3 days later.
So one glass of wine….one drink out with friends….is not my reality….I can’t be a social drinker.
The second point – the fact that my husband feels he in his words will “call you out any time I want to” is scary. What if I’m having a great day – no anxiety and not even considering a glass of wine? He has a bad day and now my journey to sobriety is a target for him to lash out at me for. It’s scary. Super scary and I’m almost in tears. I’m trying hard. Maybe I’ll be successful….maybe I won’t. But one thing is for sure – I haven’t given up. That’s the hardest thing to reconcile – to be okay with. I haven’t given up. I get the fact that my behaviour is the reason why we are in this situation, but I can’t allow someone to negatively impact the progress that I’m making. Last night he was frustrated with the tv and stated “this is when I want to hit something” and then said “if you even think about drinking you might get hit”. Not sure he really meant it. He’s not violent – but it’s scary. I’m glad he’s going on a business trip. I can take some time to focus on me and hopefully feel better about the situation. Sure I should talk to him about it, but I’m not strong enough.
I can’t proactively do anything aside from staying clean and sober, but I can prepare myself to stand up for myself if he does lash out – and he’s not justified.
So I’m clean today – and that’s a win. I’m looking forward to working from home tomorrow, snuggled safely in my clean pajamas, after a shower and enjoying coffee and my puppies. Simply looking forward to the calm of the morning, nothing more, nothing less. Not worrying about the evening. Just looking forward to the sun coming up and a new day starting…one that is a Day 3 for me.
Have a lovely evening!