Back to Basics

 

Another new day and it’s back to basics time for me.  Trying to remind myself that I’m not a bad person and that this is going to be hard.  At times it seems almost too hard.  Too hard to want to type a post because I have to face inner demons.  But I’m forcing myself to take that step – I’ll never move forward if I just stay stuck.   I had a really rough week last week.  It was a week of tough memories, bad decisions, anxiety, tears and stress.  It was a very emotional week for me that almost broke me.  It was a week that I really needed my husband, but I did everything that I could to push him away.  So I’m taking some time this lazy Sunday to recenter myself, to identify my intentions and my goals for the week.  So why was my week so rough?  I’m going to try and answer that for myself.  One thing I know for sure is that I’m angry that I’m not in California.

Every year, my husband and I go to visit his parents in California.  This year, I stayed home.  I spent any of my free time finding his clothes, washing and packing him up.  All while being buzzed.  And I knew that I wanted to quit the relapsing, but I just couldn’t face the fact that the vacation I always used to recharge was not going to happen this year.  I’m used to my husband traveling, which makes it just that much easier to hide the drinking.  But this trip was different for me.  I chose to stay back to take care of our two dogs.  Our oldest was just diagnosed with kidney disease and I couldn’t bare to leave him and disrupt the schedule that we’ve finally got him on.  But the more times I say that, whether it’s to someone else or myself, I realize that I could have gone.  He’d be fine without me.  I realized that I chose to stay back for myself.  To focus on what I want to be my final attempt at sobriety.

You all probably think that I’m crazy for using 10 days of being alone to quit drinking.  And maybe I am, but I feel safe right now.  I can process emotions as they come, write through the process and take naps or walks when I want to.  I don’t have to report to someone.  I can stay safely in my own head.

It’s a brand new day for me.  I don’t feel like there are any major shifts in my mindset.  Simply allowing myself to relax in front of my computer and get back to my blog.  Writing is not a skill that I have.  So a blog is still hilarious to me.  But I’m taking it slow and spending the time that I need to focusing on myself.  I’d like to say that I’ll be able to blog everyday.  But I’m not sure where this journey will take me.  I know for today, I’ll get my ass off the couch soon, wash up and go to work this evening.  I’ll get home, hug my dogs, pull a meal out of the freezer and curl back up on the couch.  I won’t be angry at myself and I’ll give myself the forgiveness I need to make tomorrow an even better day than today.  At some point this evening, my husband will call me to check in.  He’ll assume I’ve been drinking, but since I won’t be, it should be an easy conversation.  Now the tears are starting and the anxiety is kicking in.  I’m now afraid of the conversation since I don’t know where it’s going to go.  Hopefully he had a good day golfing and we can just have an easy and light conversation.  I’d really like for him to be proud of me again.

It’ll be okay – I’ll just keep telling myself that.

Steph

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