So here goes! I’ve had to take a few days to simmer down from completely boiling over and seeing RED and compose myself enough to write a coherent (subject to opinion) post about what happened. Like many of us my drinking has led to trust issues with my spouse. I’ve written about that previously and I won’t bore anyone with that saga since we can file that under “been there done that”. However just on the heels of my last post my husband did an about face and it really truly pissed me off!
- He’s in Orlando on business
- I left work later than normal
- I went to an adhoc appointment
- The appointment happened to be in an area where I had no cell service
- Forgot to tell him I had an appt
So an hour or more passes and he tries my cell. He doesn’t get an answer and it goes to vm. Tries a few times more then apparently panics and calls my Mom. I find out all of this when my phone gets a signal. Everyone is panicking since they can’t get a hold of me.
That aside wasn’t what pushed me over the edge. What was the final comment? It happened when I talked to him later that evening and he said he following “I didn’t know where you were and assumed you were passed out on the floor”.
BOOM! It took everything to not scream FUCK YOU! I was so angry. For so many reasons. Past actions have allowed for that train of thought. But I did NOTHING WRONG! Aside from forgetting to tell him I had an appt….he was traveling and was in the middle of travels. I didn’t even think it was a big deal at all. Needless to say he’s convinced that I was wrong and he’s right.
I agonized over it yesterday and spent the majority of my day feeling like I had to account for every move that I made. I fact I was so snarky I almost said to him “mother may I go to work?” So I beat myself up pretty good and then realized that it was a false accusation. And then I did some research and found myself looking at this as a chapter in my sobriety. I was going to have to deal with it sooner or later. My past inhibiting the progress I’ve made in others perceptions.
False accusations can be a form of bullying. Do I think he intentionally bullied me? Yes. Does he realize his? No. He was essentially putting his assumptions on me. Imprinting me if I may. But I can’t let that happen. And I know now that I’m stronger than I was a few days ago. I also know that it will take an unknown amount of time to enable him to see the changes I’m making.
In my research I found solace. I have to keep going. I can only focus on what I can control. I could have controlled my outburst and ensuing hour long session trying to convince him I was fine. I wasn’t passed out. I was okay. But I didn’t. That poor horse is beaten to the point I can’t remember to fight.
He might want to talk about it when he gets back. But it’s best for me to simply say ” you have your truth and I have mine. I can’t change your perspective. I can keep moving forward with my truth and someday our truths may align. We’ve had this discussion and either of us will be able to get the resolution we want. I’m spending my energy elsewhere and won’t participate in a negative conversation”. A little harsh – maybe. But I have to be fiercely protective of myself in this fragile state. So I will be as direct as I need to be.
So onward with my self discovery. False accusations and all are based on past behavior. The further I get from that behavior the further away and fewer in between the false accusations will be. Until they are a faint image in my rear view mirror.
Have a great day! Send me some strength if you find any to spare!