During my many attempts at getting sober, I’ve found that any level of giving or receiving trust has proven a difficult and elusive, almost nearly impossible. Just as sobriety seems to be a “unicorn”, trust seems to be the same.
I’ve spent hours reflecting on how I have gotten to where I am. I’ve posted before a similar thought process before, but this time I’m finding a link, a relationship between trust and my drinking. Trust also has a relationship with betrayal. Two sides of the same coin. Betrayal is a key event that I can say with complete confidence leads me to drink. The negative experience impacts me so much that my desire to drink only gets more desperate and immediate.
Most days my life feels like a never-ending chain of betrayal events. Friends, co-workers, peers, and family have all betrayed me to varying degrees. Whether confidential information was divulged and consequently spread from person to person, or having the knives plunged and then twisted in my back. I’m not blaming those people who have betrayed me for my drinking. I chose alcohol as my outlet. I chose the glass or bottle of wine to be the band-aid I needed to escape the feelings and forget the pain.
So now I’m faced with that fear of betrayal and determine how I’m going to handle it in a healthy way. I can’t simply solve it by NOT trusting people. That won’t allow me to grow and it’s NOT a healthy way to live. Putting myself on an island simply won’t work. I need a support system.
The other aspect of trust is that I’m simply not a trustworthy person when I’m drinking. I hide it, I drink too fast to get to the ever comforting feeling and before I know it I wake up in bed with no idea how I got there. I lie to my husband to cover up for my drinking and made countless promises to quit that I’ve broken. So nope – he shouldn’t trust me. Will he ever trust me again – I would hope so, but all I can do is take my journey one day at a time.
I have to trust myself and trust that I can do this. Do this totally scary thing – get sober. It’s not so much the getting sober, but the staying sober part that is scary. So the elusive trust and the ugly outcome of betrayal will continue to haunt me, but I have to face my fear. Face my fear that my husband will never trust me again. Face my fear of trusting people who will turn around and betray me.
What I can do is take it one day at a time and slowly lay the groundwork for my husband to trust me again. Take each betrayal with grace and breathe through it – cry if I need to and just keep moving forward.
Trust – it’s a tricky thing.