So I finally broke down and asked my husband not to offer me or ask me if I wanted a glass of wine with lunch after his round of golf with his parents. It was a lovely day all around. I got up slightly early with jet lag being 3 hours behind and took a 1.6 mile walk before we left. It was a beautiful walk with the mountains, fresh air and warm sun that set my great mood. The round of golf was nice and I walked ever other hole to make sure that I was moving and not sitting still for 4 hours. I had enough of that on the 6 hours of plane rides yesterday. Everything was great….then…..
I get to the table and he states “I ordered your Iced Tea. Unless you want a glass of Rombauer”. It hadn’t even crossed my mind to have a glass of wine – I was still stuck on “Iced Tea….nope – I want my Diet Coke” and was miffed at his choice of Iced Tea. His mom ordered a glass, and then asked for “half” later and they served her a full glass. I sat there saddened and watched. Knowing full well that we needed to go to the store after lunch and my husband drove separately and made the comment to her “Steph will be driving”. My heart sank. She never finished the glass.
Fast forward a few hours and I’m sitting here thinking about Easter Dinner tomorrow and how we’re supposed to go his parents friends house for dinner. I can almost foresee the events as if I had a crystal ball. It’s as if characters in a play are coming to life in my head. His dad will be in full story telling mode and have 3-4 drinks. His Mom will drink one glass of wine super fast, which may or may not be her first….she sneaks drinks before events (I learned this trick from her) so we never know how much she’s had, only she does. Just like good old me. She’ll get out of control, not eat and be bumping into things, stumbling and most likely break a few glasses. I’ll be defiantly sober as it will be day 7 and of course, I’ll be in charge of her and trying to get her to drink water and plead with my husband and father in law who will be too embarrased to remove her from the situation.
Oh…wait – this is all part of the cycle. It’s when I try my hardest to lead a sober life, I see her and it hurts so bad that all I want to do is drink. Drink to forget, drink because I hurt and I’m sad. But this time it’s different. I’m enlisting my husband and I’ve made the first step. I asked him in a very nice, yet squeaky voice that was fighting tears “please don’t ask me if I want a glass of wine when I get to the table. Please don’t enable me” That’s a huge baby step in the right direction.
Maybe tomorrow won’t be all that bad, but I’m dreading it. I did tell him that I didn’t want to go but I have to so that I don’t “offend” them. That’s his point, I’m confident he doesn’t know how hard it’s going to be or that the toll it will take on me. But that’s out of my control for now and a destiny not yet lived.
Signing off for now.